When Things Become Too Much
by Fangs of Lightning
Summary: Shadow does something stupid. Shadow's POV.


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Shadow's POV.

When it becomes too much...

Weapon. Cure. Ultimate.

All words used to describe me. None of them who I am.

Immortal. Monster. Ruthless.

Still not who I am. They should try something different. Something more like...

Lonely. Dead. Hated. Cursed.

That is who I am.

Footsteps echoed in my empty hall as I made my way through the house. For the third time this week, Rouge doesn't have the time for me. She rarely does. G.U.N. doesn't have another mission for me yet. they only give me a mission when no one else can do it. Immortality, you know? It's not all it's cracked up to be. Sure, you get to live forever. Sure, nothing can permanently kill you. But you know what else you get? An eternity of loneliness and pain. Everyone you ever cared about will die from something. Life will go on, the world will change. And what do you do? You move on through, never changing. Never fully fitting in. Always unaccepted. But no one cares about my problems.

My life is meaningless. To Sonic, I'm a Faker. A hedgehog who looks like him and tries to take his spotlight. It's not his spotlight I want. To his friends, I'm the guy who tries too hard. I wouldn't try so hard if I didn't have to. To Rouge, I'm a partner. The muscle when things get too tough for her to handle. Never someone worth listening to. Never anyone worth her personal time. To G.U.N., I'm nothing but a weapon. Their backup plan when things go wrong. An ace in the hole. Life is worthless when people don't care about who you are.

The bathroom door opens and I go in. Looking into the mirror, I see nothing. Nothing but black, tan, white, and red. Nothing worthwhile. Just a pathetic hedgehog trying too hard to prove himself. Tears begin filling my eyes as my thoughts continue racing. I can't take it anymore.

My face fills with pain as the shatter of the mirror echoes in the small room. Salty tears only serve to enhance pain as I feel them tumbling down my cheeks. My own groan sounds foreign to me as I stumble back into the wall. Another memory comes up as I choke on my sadness.

Black Doom. My own father. Killed by my hands. I'm sure he's resurrected somehow, somewhere. That's what immortality meant. But it doesn't change the fact that I did it. Ungrateful, worthless traitor. That's what else I am. Who else turns against the person who gave them life?

My butt hits the floor as broken sobs escape me. Just like those nights. Killing my father was harder than people think. To see him die before my eyes, by wounds that had been my doing... It had been torture. Almost as bad as when Maria had died.

Ah, Maria. My angel. Whenever she crosses my mind, my heart feels heavy. Yet another show of weak uselessness. Unable to do a thing, I had watched as that bullet killed her. She'd died before my eyes. And what had she asked of me?

"Protect them, Shadow."

Tears and blood mixed into the black fur of my arms. Keeping my face there hurt more. I had to do it. Maria's sweet angelic voice wasn't enough to soothe me. Not tonight. Nothing but the sweet release of pain cold soothe me now. But this pain wasn't enough. I get to my feet, legs shaking and unsteady. Blurred images meet me as I stumble back into the hall. Continuously hitting my legs on things, I know I'd have bruises if I were normal. The pain was splendid, but still not enough. Memory guided me to the kitchen. On the counter lay my carving knife. grabbing it, I allow myself to slide to the floor. Someone was bound to find me later. Probably Sonic...

I chuckle and wince as I think of him. Cold steel slices through my forearm. It's nothing compared to the pain in my heart. Sonic's smiling face fades as I think of it. Blood was the only way to let it out. All my worries pouring from my body. All my fears and insecurities... It was heavenly to feel them slip away from me. Red stains my thighs as I watch. The bloody knife carves through without protest. This was the only way to prove to myself that I was worth anything. Pain for everything I've lost. For everything I can never have...

The Ultimate Coward. That ought to be my new title. Three words isn't hard. Not when you have nothing to lose. Not when the recipient accepts people for who they are. accepts them with bright green eyes and a smile. A smile that could pierce through the darkest clouds in a person's soul and make them feel wanted. A smile that told you everything would be all right. A smile that was never really for you, but you wished it was.

Too many mistakes. Too much pain. I can feel it all slipping from me as well as the vision of his smile. A sense of peace fills me and I can see Maria. She isn't happy, but who can blame her? This is the only way to see her. My angel, the one who will love me for who I am, not what I am. She's the only one I can talk to about anything. Always there, waiting...

I close my eyes and feel her embrace. Even if it won't be forever. If I can be with her for a while, I'd feel better. Hopefully she could forgive me.


End file.
